I went to a black-light party last night. I hadn’t heard of these until actually going so I will explain: A black-light party is pretty much a drunken pile of sweat, beer and sex combined with a black light and dance music. I was mildly drunk after the Celtics-Bulls game and my roommate Lloyd needed a wingman. It was either that or jerk off so I grabbed my coat, packed about six beers and left. It took about ten minutes to walk to the party. Nearly every car on the road had a drunk driver so I was pretty thankful.
We didn’t really want to pay. Usually at these parties, the host gives you a cup after you give them money and then they let you in. In an attempt to get around this, we had brought four or five cups with us, with the hope that two of them would match the ones they were giving out. This didn’t work at all.
The first thing I noticed was that it was pretty much impossible to see anyone’s facial features in the light. All that were really visible was if the person was wearing white which was consistently extremely illuminated by the black light. The music was loud and the room (which was the basement of an apartment building) smelled a lot like pot. People were dancing, but in the slutty, grinding/lap dancing kind of way. Literally it was like watching clothed porn.
The second thing I noticed was that there were no bathrooms and both me and my roommate had to go. Thinking quickly, we walked back up the stairs and took turns pissing in the corner of the hallway. Believe it or not this happened a few times. Beer really does goes right through you.
The girls were very difficult to talk to, partially because of the loud music and partially because they were generally bitchy. Lloyd and I talked in the back for a little while:
Lloyd: We’re at a disadvantage here.
Me: What do you mean?
Lloyd: We’re… Not tall. Look man, I depend on my features and all they can see is my height.
Me: Dude, you’re like the same height as me. We’re about average.
Lloyd: Yeah but they don’t want average. They’re not gonna go out of their way to talk to some averagely tall guys.
I decided to use our discussion as my “opener” for the night. For those of you that didn’t watch The Pick-Up Artist religiously when it was on VH1, an opener is a line you use to talk to a “set”. A set is a group of girls. I realize how toolish this sounds but as a wing-man this was my job. This was serious business. Really.
My opener was simple. “My friend and I were having a discussion. He’s saying that because we’re not like… Super tall, no one will talk to us. Do you think this is true?”
The success was mixed. Some girls talked to us, some didn’t. Most didn’t. I never claimed to be a good wing. We didn’t get very far till I was able to single out an especially pretty Algerian Girl from a group of six. She and Lloyd talked for a while and I attempted to distract her friends to little success. I kind of went in and out of their conversation, occasionally joining in before going back to her friends.
A few things I learned about her:
-She likes basketball
-She’s Muslim (but apparently doesn’t like Muslims)
-She likes her butt
-She thinks I look like Steve Carrell
It was kind of an A.D.D. conversation but it beat the Hell out of forcing conversation on her friends. You can only talk for so long about your major. They eventually pulled her away. It wouldn’t be the last time we saw her.
After this, I attempted to open a set of three girls, two blonds and a brunette that I will refer to as
Lunatic.
Me: My friend and I were having a discussion. He’s saying that---
Lunatic: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
Me: Whoa…
Lunatic: DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A FUCKING SURVEY!???? SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
Me: Uh… What?
I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel about this. I mean on one hand, she probably figured what my intentions were. But in all seriousness, who goes to a party like this one not expecting to be hit on? It’s not like I was grabbing her ass or grinding against her, or slipping a roofie into her drink, dragging her unconscious body to the bathroom and anally date raping her either. I walked away. Lloyd apparently agreed with me on the ridiculousness of her reaction and decided to tell her so, which led to this confrontation.
Lloyd: Hey. I really don’t appreciate the way you just yelled at my friend. I really think he deserves an apology.
Lunatic: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!? DON’T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME, DON’T YOU EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT LOOKING AT ME, I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!!! I WILL FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING END YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!
And with that, she tried to spill beer on him. Despite being less than a foot away from him, she missed, prompting Lloyd to throw his beer at her, which hit its mark.
Lunatic: YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHITFUCK! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! I WILL END YOU BITCH! I WILL END YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!
A white guy with very spiky hair stepped in between them as Lloyd and I yelled back at her. I may or may not have called her a Fuckboob.
Spiky: What the Hell is going on?
Lloyd: Nothing man. We didn’t do shit.
Spiky: *Turns and looks at Lunatic, apparently recognizing her* Oh… Yeah. Forget it.
Lloyd and I left and being that we were both drunk and horny, started talking about the Algerian girl. We were almost back to our apartment when we heard someone talking frantically on the phone talking about how she had no idea where she was. As fate would have it, it was the girl we were talking about.
Lloyd: Hey remember us? We met at the party. Algerian Girl: *Hangs up* Oh hey! I’m really pissed off right now cause some motherfucker said I was ugly.
Me: Are you alright?
Algerian Girl: No! No, I’m not okay! That small dicked motherfucker said I was ugly. I don’t want to sound pretentious or something but in all my days, no one… *Sob*… Has…*Sob*… Ever…*Sob*… Called me ugly!
Me: Uh…
Lloyd: Nah, nah, nah. You’re not ugly, you’re beautiful, girl.
Me: Yeah, the guy probably realized you were out of his like and was like “fuck, I’m just gonna diss her. Fuck that bitch”.
Algerian Girl: I used to be like 200 pounds. I lost 65 pounds to look like this. I’m going to find that motherfucker and fucking kill him and his small dick.
Me: Calm down.
Algerian Girl: I am calm.
Me and Lloyd: No you’re not.
Algerian Girl: No, I’m fine.
Me: Where do you live. I don’t feel comfortable with you walking around this late by yourself.
Algerian Girl: Wheeler (note: This is a dorm on my campus). Well I don’t actually live there but my boyfriend does.
Me: Okay. We’re gonna go there. Are you alright?
Algerian Girl: No don’t I don’t want him to see me with two guys. If I saw him with two girls, I’d fucking kill him.
Me: You have really nice teeth.
Algerian Girl: Thanks! I had braces in junior high. You guys are really nice. I feel like I should give you head or something. Only I don’t give head. But I give really good head, look how long my tongue is!
Lloyd: Pretty long.
Me: You should be in KISS.
Algerian Girl: I don’t mean to brag, but I ride a mean dick. But I don’t do that with guys unless I’m dating them.
Lloyd: You sure about that?
Algerian Girl: I’m horny like twenty four, seven. But I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t do stuff like that.
Me: Yeah. We got that.
Algerian Girl: You’re frustrated. I’m sorry I’m ruining your night. You’re so nice!
Me: It’s fine.
This came up a lot. That she was ruining our night and felt bad and wanted to give us head and if she wasn’t in a relationship she’d have blown both of us. I’m not sure if the implication was at the same time. It probably was. Whatever. Either me or Lloyd could have pushed the issue and gotten a three way or at least blow jobs. Algerian Girl was very pretty. She had nice teeth and a long tongue and big boobs and nice skin and a pretty face and shiny hair. She claimed to be stellar at sex and I believed her. She was drunk and horny. But for some reason we both came to the conclusion that she was too drunk. There is such a thing. We walked her back to her boyfriend’s dorm and that was the end of it. I doubt that we’ll ever see her again.
My thoughts on the matter are surprisingly certain. I’m glad nothing happened. I would have felt pretty terrible, especially if Lloyd and I wound up fighting over her. A three way would have been sweet, I guess, but only until I woke up and realized what had I'd just done. A greater man would have taken advantage of it, but greater men also hate themselves, and I would have.
When we got back to the dorm, I brushed my teeth and went to sleep.
Something hit me when I woke up and was sober. Algerian Girl had been with six other people when we ran into her at the party. They had stopped Lloyd from making a move on her but then when we ran into her later, she was completely on her own. What happened, I wondered. Lloyd said she was probably so drunk that she just kind of wandered off. That’s a pretty good guess and he’s probably right but it really makes me wonder: They were so hellbent on stopping Lloyd from talking with her yet they lost track of her and just kind of let her wander off drunk onto the outskirts of a college campus. I mean what seems more dangerous, talking to some random guy in a populated party, or wandering around drunk at one in the morning?
That was a rhetorical question.
